They make your neighbors look harmless and sane
Tuesday, August 26, 2008 in category Weird Neighbors
I'm officially convinced that my idea of a TV show would be a big hit. And I'd call it The Freaks Next-Door. I've heard that everyone has a weird neighbor, and if you don't, then it's you. Thank God I've got enough psychotic neighbors to ensure my sanity.
Today we'll focus on Family X. I call them this because I don't even know their last name, let alone any of their first names. We're pretty friendly people, but they don't want to know us. I only know the name of their daughter, a girl my age, Camille. She has a history of walking around outside without pants, muttering under her breath and threatening things, for example, her mailbox, her mom's car, and my dog. Yes, especially my dog. I think her life's mission is to stare down my dog.
So my dog was taking a whiz the other day, in our front yard. Camille is outside, doing who knows what. Keep in mind that my dog was just minding her own business, doing her business, when Camille had an impassioned chat with her. Yeah, my dog. So it was mostly a one-sided conversation. And Camille decided to inform my dog of her apparent obesity. Actually, her exact words were: "What're you lookin' at, you big fat dog?"
She belted this out, gave my dog this dirty look like she'd mortally offended her, then turned around and stomped off.
Ahem. Next week we'll focus on Bernard, whose purpose in life is to run over small children with his lawnmower and keep his suspicious beast of an animal hidden from the police. (Now, I've seen a doggie door, but the thing I hear roaring from the depths of his house could not possibly fit through that thing.)
Breaking and entering (What? AGAIN!?)
Saturday, July 26, 2008 in category Friends, Funny. :)
What have I been up to these days? The following AIM conversation may give you some idea.
ME: My mom was so pissed off at me today.
PEPPER: Why?
ME: She said, "A couple reasons."
- I biked all the way to Jason's house without telling her.
- Without a helmet (OMG!)
- On actual roads with actual cars speeding at me.
- Then I broke into his house.
- And got caught.
ME: I guess I kinda see her point.
PEPPER: Yeah, me too, only, I think it's f-ing hilarious.
This is the kind of thing that demands an explanation, but I'll have to save it for another day. My cousin will be here any minute, and you know what that means: dart gun fights and watching illegally uploaded movies on YouTube. Chance of child injury = very much.
Just know that this little felony I committed adventure I had involves a dead porcupine, a two liter of Pepsi, a big-screen TV, an open front door and a lack of interference by the Neighborhood Watch Program. And my dear friend Kathryn with her wonderful ideas and lawbreaking tendencies.
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